somebody snuck up and got me drunk
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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