a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
