I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
