Who did Billy Mays play for?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Randomize