Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
