Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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