dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Randomize