she was so not down for the gang bang
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
