I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
