____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
