she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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