that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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