How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
