Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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