We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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