I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
