I'm drive I can fine osifer
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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