Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
