HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
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