I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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