We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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