Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
