someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
