oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
