Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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