We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
