i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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