Umm I'm too high to move.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
