you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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