I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
