and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Randomize
