i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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