So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
