Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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