This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
