I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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