I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Randomize
