If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
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