tell your sister to shave her snatch
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
