oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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