Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
