You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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