I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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