Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
