first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
