sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
