Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
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