After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
