i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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