At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
