2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize