Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
