Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
