Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
