I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Randomize
