just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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