I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
