she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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