Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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