Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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