i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
