I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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