I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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