I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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