Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize