I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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